Albert Paschall

Somedays:

Dear Albie:
The Complaint Department

by Albert Paschall

Last month when I wrote my primer on local zoning I got reactions from all over the state. A lot of people really appreciated it; they didn’t know a lot of that stuff. But all the response got me thinking: why not start a new column? A question and answer piece about complaints to local governments. I think it could be a really big hit and I’ll call it ‘Dear Albie’.

Dear Albie:
I have lived on a nice cul-de-sac for 3 years next to some lovely woods. Last week they began bulldozing the woods. The neighbors say it’s going to be a giant convenience store with a gas station and the dumpsters will be right next to my side yard. I went to the township and complained but they said it was too late now. Anything I can do?
-Angry in Adams

Dear Angry:
Congratulations! You no longer have to pay for trash collection. Just throw your trash in the store’s dumpster at night. You’ll save a bundle.

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Dear Albie:
We bought our home last summer and today we got a bill for snow plowing this past winter. Seems our streets aren’t owned by the township. We went to the township and complained but they said there was nothing that could be done. What do we do now?
-Burned up in Bradford

Dear Burned:
Buy a plow, stick it on the front of your car and when it snows plow all of your neighbors out and send them a bill. You’ll make a bundle.

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Dear Albie:
We live next to a national park that is over run with deer. They come out every night and I don’t want to say what kind of mess we have on our lawn. They are like seagulls with tails. I’ve written to President Bush to complain but I didn’t receive an answer so I turn to you.
-Doe-d out in Dauphin

Dear Doe-d,
This is tricky as the deer is the official animal of Pennsylvania but there is something you might try. Look for ads for gun shows in your area. Go to the show and buy something called an AK-47. Pick a nice, clear night and leave some fruit laying in your yard. When you see the red eyes blast away. Be sure to blast only things with 4 legs or you might have a serious problem.

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Dear Albie:
When we bought our new townhouse we didn’t even think about parking. Now that all the houses are sold we find that we only have two parking spaces and can’t throw parties for our friends because there is no place for them to park. We’re lonely without our parties, have any suggestions?
-Lonely in Lancaster

Dear Lonely:
It’s easy. Throw all of your parties on weekdays and start them at 3:30 in the afternoon. Your guests can use the neighbors’ parking spaces. You’ll want to rotate parking. For one party park at even numbered homes and the next one odd numbers. That way only half the neighbors will hate you at any given time.

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Dear Albie:
I am sick and tired of developers taking over our township. I am seriously thinking of running for supervisor to stop all development. Any suggestions for me?
-Mad in Montgomery

Dear Mad:
Turn your oven on to 400 degrees. Stick your head in for an hour. If you enjoy the experience then by all means run!

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I can see that this could be a fulfilling new career for me, helping people with their township problems. Someday it might even be funny, if all of these complaints weren’t true.